Confound it
by Chaos Silk
Summary: Dedicated to Sesshy is Sexii, Yuffie kidnaps Cloud and Cid, Can they be rescued before Sephiroth and Vincent find out?
1. Chapter 1

Confound It.

By: BloodyChaosDragonKnight

A/N: Dedicated to **Sesshy is Sexii** for being my hundredth reviewer. She requested a Cid/Vincent story, which I found amusing because I was already writing a plot for a Cid/Vincent storyline. Well here's the first chapter, I hope you enjoy it.

Warnings: Random kidnappings, use of strong language, insanity and shonen ai. Zack bashing.

Pairings: Cid/Vincent, Sephiroth/Cloud (only cause it amuses me.)

Cid blinks as the apartment door slams rather loudly. He glances at Zack who's lying on the couch in a Zombie-like state and then at the clock. He mutters a string of swearword as he gets up from the couch with the full intent of cussing the redheaded Turk out for slamming the door that hard.

"CIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDD!" A high pitched voice squeals as a black haired girl attaches herself to him, proving that Reno was not the culprit this time. Cid stares at her, eye twitching. Zack doesn't even blink.

"Yuffie! What in the seven names of Hell!" Cid growls, prying the girl's arms from around his neck before she cuts off his air. Yuffie just squeals again, bouncing happily in front of him. Cid takes a drag of his cigarette to calm his nerves and to keep him from strangling Yuffie.

"Guess what! Guess what!" Yuffie chirps, still bouncing excitedly. Cid wonders if he really wanted to know and glances at Zack who finally blinks but resumes his blank state.

"What!" He asks warily, eyes darting about the room for an escape route that Yuffie wouldn't follow him on. Yuffie grins evilly, pulls out a roll of duct-tape from behind her back and tapes his arms to his sides. Cid blinks.

"I'm kidnapping you…" She announces, posing dramatically. Cid stares at her like she's lost her mind and Zack falls over.

"Have you lost your f-ing mind? If you don't let me go right this second I'm going to kick your f-ing ass." Cid yells as he attempts to get out of the duct-tape, Yuffie giggles and starts winding the tape around his body.

"Sorry Cid, but I want Vincent's cape or at the very least one like it and the only way to get it is to hold you hostage." Yuffie states grabbing the back of Cid's jacket and dragging him towards the door.

"ZACK! YOU ASSHOLE! AREN'T YOU GOING TO F-ING HELP ME! I'M BEING KIDNAPPED HERE!" Cid yells at the SOLDIER as he attempts to get away from Yuffie and fails miserably.

"That's nice, be back before midnight." Zack says, still off in his own little world. Cid lets out an extremely long string of swearing.

"I'M GOING TO F-ING KILL YOU!" Cid screams as Yuffie drags him out the door, kicking it shut behind her.

/Meanwhile…/

"Do you ever get the feeling you're only a distraction?" Cloud asks as he cuts a monster cleanly in half. Vincent stares at him.

"What have I told you about questioning your existence on the battlefield?" Vincent asks, reloading his gun. Cloud shrugs and grins at his friend.

"Well I have to get around to it sooner or later…" The blonde says kicking another monster in the head. He yelps as Yuffie comes barreling into him. He blinks, looking down at her in surprise as Vincent kills the remaining monsters.

"Hi Cloud!" Yuffie chirps happily. Cloud stares at her, a feeling of foreboding coming over him. When he doesn't answer she grins and wraps him up in duct-tape. Cloud starts yelling as she tosses him over her shoulder, grinning maniacally as she waves at Vincent and runs off, leaving the ex-Turk staring blankly at her retreating back.

"Oh shit…" He says envisioning Sephiroth killing him again and again for allowing Cloud to be kidnapped. He flips open his PHS and calls the current president of Shinra. "Rufus…we have a problem."

/Back with Zack…about five minutes after Vincent's conversation with Rufus./

Not much has changed except for the fact that Zack is now drooling. The door slams again, admitting Reno and Sephiroth. Sephiroth looks around while Reno walks over to Zack and kicks him in the head.

"Yo Idiot." Reno says, placing a second kick on the black haired man's head, which returns him to a somewhat semi-normal state. He blinks, staring blankly at the redhead. "Where in the hell is Cid? We have to keep Seph occupied for a while and we all know you're incapable of intelligent conversation."

"Oh Yuffie Cid-napped him…" Zack says, thinking hard on it. Sephiroth pokes the wall with Masamune. Reno sweatdrops and rubs his forehead. "Could we hold off on the rescue for a bit? He threatened to kill me."

"Zack, you are the biggest idiot I have ever met." Reno states, kicking the man in the head again. Zack blinks, rubbing his head.

"Why do you say that?" Zack asks, looking confused. Sephiroth and Reno sweatdrop, Reno kicks him again.

"Stop that, you'll make it worse…" Sephiroth says, sitting down on the couch. Reno retrieves a newspaper and whacks Zack on the head with it. "Now it seems to me that we need a plan to rescue Cid before Vincent gets back and kills Zack for sitting there and doing nothing while Cid was kidnapped." Reno blinks.

"Now why would we do something like that?" Reno asks, pausing in his abuse of Zack for a moment to look at Sephiroth. "I mean the world really could do without Zack…"

"Heyy!" Zack yells, Reno twitches and Sephiroth grins. "M&Ms!" The pair sweatdrops, staring at Zack. "What?" he asks, munching happily on M&Ms.

"You will do it because I will kill you if you don't and I will do it because Zack amuses me." Sephiroth says, grinning evilly at Reno who sweatdrops and eyes Masamune warily. Zack looks up from his M&Ms.

"What about me?" The black haired one asks, Sephiroth stares at him and shakes his head.

"You will be doing it because you were the one who got us into this mess. Now we need a plan." Sephiroth says, tapping his finger against his chin thoughtfully. Zack raises his hand and bounces.

"I have one! We can capture flying monkeys using me as bait and use them to locate Yuffie's base…and then." Zack rambles; Reno cuts him off while Sephiroth stares at him, wondering if he really was that stupid.

"That is the stupidest plan I've ever heard, first not only do flying monkeys not exist and second, why would you use yourself as bait…idiot. Now my idea is this we ask Tifa where Yuffie's base is, she's sure to know these things and then we bust in, save Cid and get out of there without running into the other group." Reno says, waving the newspaper around. Sephiroth nods, it was a good plan. But who in the hell was the other group?

/Meanwhile with Cid and Cloud…/

"She got you too?" Cloud asks, looking around the barren room where Yuffie had so casually threw them. Cid nods, a scowl on his face.

"Stupid f-ing Zack, if he had attempted to help I wouldn't be here." Cid growls, cursing quite loudly. Cloud raises an eyebrow.

"Vincent was there when I was kidnapped and he couldn't do anything so I sincerely doubt that Zack could've done anything…" Cloud sighs, shaking his head. "I bet Sephiroth is in a murderous rage…and Vincent's probably castrating Zack, if they've told them… How much do you want to bet that they're going to try to keep it from Vincent and Seph for as long as they can and rescue us in separate groups."

"5,000 gil says they won't because that would just be fking stupid.." Cid says, quite sure that he's going to make an easy 5,000 gil. Unfortunately for him, Cloud actually was right.

TBC'

BloodyChaos: "Well how was that? Hope you liked it…"

Zach: "Why are you bashing Zack? I thought you liked Zack…"

BloodyChaos: "I do like Zack, it's just fun to make him stupid…anyways please review and tell me what you think."


	2. Chapter 2

Confound It.

By: BloodyChaosDragonKnight

A/N: Dedicated to **Sesshy is Sexii** for being my hundredth reviewer. Long time no see... Almost forgot about this...

Warnings: Random kidnappings, use of strong language, insanity and shonen ai. Zack bashing.

Pairings: Cid/Vincent, Sephiroth/Cloud (only cause it amuses me.) implied Reno/Tseng,

"She's where?!" Sephiroth shouts, eye twitching as he glares at the martial artist. Tifa just smirks, flipping her hair over her shoulder.

"She's in your basement..." Tifa states smugly, calmly cleaning a glass as she leans against the counter. Reno has a very bad feeling about this and Zack... well

"Oh I see how it is, you let Yuffie have a secret base in your basement and you won't let me." Zack pouts. Sephiroth stares at him for a second, then shakes his head.

"You know, this explains a lot." He says, thinking back on all the strange things that had been happening. His socks would go missing then turn up weeks later tied around some guy's wrists, his cat would randomly hiss at the walls and someone had once painted the laundry room orange, but he was quite sure the last was Zack.

He had thought it was just Zack being stupid. Now he knew better.

"To Sephy's house." Zack declares, standing in a dramatic pose with his finger pointing at the door.

"Zack, my house is that way." Sephiroth sighs, pointing to the front door. "And what did I tell you about calling me that." He snaps, making Zack pout.

Reno raises his hand, swinging it back and forth in the air and almost hitting Tifa who glares.

"Could we hold on a sec, I have to make a phone call." Reno says, grinning mischievously. Sephiroth contemplates, mentally running through a list of people the redheaded Turk knew and would call. Alarm bells went off in his head, Vincent was a sometimes Turk.

"As long as you don't call Vincent." Sephiroth was relieved when Reno shook his head.

"Nah, just Tseng..." Sephiroth didn't even blink, everyone and their brother knew the two were involved in someway.

----With Vincent----

Tseng's PHS rings as the trio follows Yuffie's blaringly obvious trail to Midgar. He pulls it out of his pocket and upon seeing Reno's name blazing across the cover, flipped it open.

"Is there a problem with Sephiroth?" He asks, ignoring the shocked and wary looks on his companions faces. Reno's voice buzzes in his ear, informing him that Yuffie had built a secret base in Sephiroth's basement of all places and that Cid had been kidnapped.

He shoots a carefully guarded look in Vincent's direction before continuing. "Alright, we'll be there shortly. Try to keep him from finding out about Cloud." An affirmative hum, Tseng could almost feel Reno's gaze as the redhead studied Sephiroth. A declaration of love and then the phone went dead.

"Love you too." Tseng repeats, rolling his eyes skyward as he snapped the phone shut. He looks at Vincent and Rufus. "Yuffie's in Sephiroth's basement... Let's not ask why, let's just get Cloud before Sephiroth finds him and goes on a killing rampage because nobody has bothered to inform him."

"That... sounds like a plan." Rufus says, nodding once. Vincent hmms, making a sound that could pass for an affirmative.

"To Sephiroth's house then." Tseng sighs, not looking happy. Why must things always be so complicated?

---With Cid and Cloud---

"Where the hell are we anyways?" Cid demands, wishing he could smoke. Sadly his hands were taped and he had no choice but to sit here without a cigarette in his mouth and smoke billowing into his lungs.

"Sephiroth's basement." Comes Cloud's snappy reply, the blonde deciding that maybe sleep was best. Cid sneers in Cloud's general direction.

"I suppose you would know." He grumbles.

"Yes, yes I would. Now shut up and let me sleep."

---Back with Zack, Reno and Sephiroth.---

"Ok Seph, you're the distraction." Sephiroth stares at Reno like he's lost his mind and looks at Zack who has climbed on top of several boxes that look like they're about to fall.

"We have a perfectly good distraction right there." Sephiroth points to Zack and his about-to-be-a-large-accident. Reno looks at Zack and then back to Sephiroth.

"Zack is in your basement all the time... He painted your laundry room orange last week." Reno says, surprising Sephiroth with his knowledge.

"How did you know about that?" Sephiroth's eyes narrow. "And how did you know he did it?" Reno coughs as Zack and the boxes come tumbling down into Yuffie's secret base.

"Hey look, it's Cloud!! Hello Cloud!!" Zack waves cheerily at the blonde hidden behind the boxes. Reno sweatdrops and grows pale as Sephiroth's body twitches with Rage.

"SHIVA FREEZE YOUR BALLS ZACK!!" Reno shouts, twisting away from the silver-haired general as he lunges at him. He runs away, praying that Tseng arrives before he gets hurt.

"Looks like I just made 5,000 gil." Cloud says, rather smug for a man wrapped up in duct-tape. Cid glares at him.

"Oh shut up." Cid grumbles, muttering profanity under his breath as Tseng and the .

And so Cid and Cloud were rescued from the clutches of the evil Yuffie, Reno was rescued from the clutches of an insane Sephiroth and Zack was shot in the groin for allowing Cid to be kidnapped.

As they say, all's well that ends well.

The End.

Thanks to all who read and review.

Apologies for the wait, reviews would be loved.


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